My first year in secondary school, my story

I know it sounds really cliche and a little bigotry but, bear with me. It all started when i was 12 going on 13, during my first year in SJI. I was very popular, and got elected by a majority vote to be class chairman. It might sound insignificant, but at that time, it was a symbol of popularity and something to boast about. I was good at everything, third in the entire school in academics.

But with it came a price, i manipulated others to further my own goals. Used gossips to tear down others, directed friends to my own ends.

Then one day, the image still raw in my mind, a staunch friend of mine since day one, a simple jolly chap, turned on me. He scalded me with such venom that i was at a loss, shocked at the words coming out of his mouth. I just stood there, as the others quietly crowded by watching as he sneered at me, his usually amiable features twisted into a mask of comtempt. Then in the corner of my eye, i saw one of my rivals, smirking at me. In truth as i look back, i cant say for certain that he had anything to do with it, but it hurt. Something just clicked in place right then, and the sky slammed into me. I turned and walked up the stairs, hands gripping the railings to boost me along, wounded and at a loss. After that i just worked, and worked. But no matter how much i did, it didt seem sufficient. My grades dropped, my classroom duties always seem to be done shoddily, basically it went downhill. The week of my birthday, i worked extra hard, burning the midnight oil to free that special sunday for play. I succeeded, only to find out that i was too tired to play on that day. I just stopped, nothing left to give.

The following events seem to take place in a haze of memory, i seem to have slept for five days, waking for short periods of an hour or two to eat, then going back to sleep. Subsequently i dropped out of school, but not until i was forced to see the school councillor, who made me stay in school for lengthy periods of time doing nothing in the library. What i did was so out of the norm that i was embarrassed to meet my classmates, and shunned them. In the end i felt like a hunted animal, playing hide and seek with my former friends. I fell from grace, and my duties were taken away, friends slowly became strangers, and my teachers became shorter and shorter with me. They didt understand what was happening, nor did i. One day, when i was meeting with my form teacher to discuss my immediate future and what i am going to do, she lost her temper. She asked me to do things, and always i said i will try, but always i failed, so when i replied similarly she just snapped at me, " If u want to do it, then just do it! " She is fabulous teacher, patient and kind. It was hard.

I dropped out of school entirely for the rest of the year, and changed counsellor after counsellor. The school councillor suddenly turned cold and severe with me, no longer the friendly face i took comfort in, and i stopped seeing him. But outside visits to different doctors continued. That is the story of my first year, at lest the highlights, heh, the rest is rather mundane, but all in all i am behind by two years, having dropped out again the next year after two months. I then went to Saint Francis Methodist, where i stayed for 4 years and completed my secondary four this year. Well, there it is :), succiently, a part of my life's story thus far.

The above is a truthful account that i wrote a year or so back, having posted it on a support website meant for people suffering from depression or mental illnesses in singapore. Somehow i have never fully recovered from that day, and i always tire easily. Since then, i have changed schools several times, and each time, my attendance has been less than 10%. My psychiatrist has always given me blanket MCs to cover my absences and placate my teachers. My relationships with friends has always been strenuous at best, but i have always been a magnet for needy people, those who appear different or socially not accepted because of various difficulties. I guess my own experiences go a long way to understanding some of the problems they face.

Anyway, this is one of the reasons i am leaving Ngee Ann, mainly because i get exhausted after a few days in school, and need to rest for a day or two. Understandably, the school finds this hard to tolerate, and the work in class just piles up. Sorry that i have not told you guys until now, reason being that its hard to tell so much face to face, and also because i know how absurd or illogical it sounds that the reason for my not going to school is because im " tired ". Anyway, i felt that if we are to be closer to each other in the pcm, we need to be honest and willing to share, something that im glad to do.